Editors Note to ALL:
This Story was not unveil but only to the most prominent members, what you are about to read is filled with dread, curse and unhappiness, but if understood you WILL understand the real principles of life, it has changed my perspective over debate, and more importantly my life.
15th March 2009
Two elite debaters were sent to The STAR Headquarters, to take a chance for the next International Asian Debate Championship held in the Philippines. Surprisingly both were able to try the following round to become the next Malaysian champion. But, the elder one, the sister, couldn't follow his younger brother to the next round. The younger brother, Abdullah Fakhry aka KhaleeD had to go alone.
29th April 2009
Venue: STAR HQ, Petaling Jaya.
Abdullah Fakhry was in a fanatic climax. In the main hall, Diak, him, Sarta (Indian), Michael Chu (chinese) and Safiya was brutally trained by there mentor and debate trainer, Adam. Adam was a debate veteran, in his 20's going to thirty, my closest friend and mentor around here, although very strict. He will constantly ask us why Iraq was attacked, why the UN was formed, what was the conspiracy 1998, what was the Geneva treaty? all questions that required our capability to think to the max. And among them all, only me and Diak were still in school, maybe the youngest in the team.
I remembered this days training. We were thought how to execute powerful ways to talk, charismatic ways that would enable us to have total control over the stage. We learn to utilize it. Some of us become great debaters over night.
But some of us didn't.
"Fakhry what was it this time?" Adam asked. Adam was a little bit piss off with my recent performance as a second speaker, he said it didn't suite me in terms of this team. So he trained me for a first speaker. He said i understood faster than the others and would be able to clarify everything on the first speech.
Come on Fakhry!!! 5 years you have trained for something like this. DON'T blow it up again, no not again. I could hear it in my head, the laugh of Azri Asyraf, the anger of Nafeesa, and the sound of crying, my crying. I will not give up I told myself, not this time, never!!!
Somehow i hated it, but i was determined. I remembered the time when I lost IIU, that I vowed to myself I would make it up here, or else where else, would after 5 years of debate would it be a waste? No I said to myself. I knew this was my second chance the moment I was summoned. This was my next big chance, and I'm not going to bust it. I trained as hard as I could to be qualified for the Asian debate in Philippines.
23 May 2009
For a month I have trained with Adam, and some improvement has shown. I've made a new friend, Diak, we were the only still schooling students. Often we'll discuss about how horrible school is, the food, the exams, the people and the school mostly. What we were different in school background, we had a similar goal: another chance to debate.
Today, Adam was going to announce who would be the main speaker. Everyone was hoping a place in the main speaker slot because it meant much to all of us, not because it will bring us the title of Best Speaker, but also the pleasure of the 10 preliminary rounds. I crossed my fingers, praying to Allah that I would be chosen, First or second speaker, it doesn't matter much now when it will determine who the main speaker is.
"The three main speaker are, as third speaker Michael", everyone gave a loud applause. He deserved it of course, just like Azri Asyraf, he was a killer tongue.
"Second speaker, Safiya", Another greater applause, Although shorter than me, she has the voice of Nafeesa. I even laughed when we first met, as if she never met a "budak agama".
"And first speaker, Fakhry", the whole room gave even a louder applause. Diak pat my back in congratulate, as the youngest of all of them, I was deeply lucky with it all.
At some moment the feeling of proud I couldn't grasp. I should be feeling excited, joyful, happy, but neither of those when they called my name. I felt EMPTY. What was wrong with me???
Adam was distributing the tickets for the Singapore training before the real thing, we'll go to Singapore first for a getaway before the real thing. The training for today was finished. Everyone was already packing there tickets and hurrying outside to smell back the fresh air.
Until finally the only ones left was me and Adam. The feeling of unease was still in me that i accidentally dropped my papers.
"ohh let me help that", Adam said giving a hand to help.
We picked it all up, until i stumbled upon my IIU Debate certificate. Adam saw it.
"You've been to that competition?" He asked.
"Yeah, last year I went to finals"
"And this year?"
I just keep quiet with that question. Thinking now what I should do but there was something missing, some kind of empty feeling.
"And what the other three of your teammates from Maahad? I'm sure they would grab this chance if given"
"Nafeesa was going to Jordan, Iman had left me, and Wani had some errands"
"It must be great debating with them, as a team, the feeling of teamwork and friendship and all"
Then finally the realization came to me. There was something missing.
"Adam, I have something to tell you"
"And what would that be?" He sounded more like a friend or father than the strict veteran, did he somehow sensed my discomfort.
"I think I'm going to pass this chance of going to the Philippines and Singapore and all. It's just not that I feel something's not right with me, not now"
"I understand", Adam said.
You do? I saw the half chinese half Malayan face staring to me. Did he really understood what I'm going through? I could see in his eyes, like as if he has gone through the same thing all over, what became a brutal training, became a passion, then into a skill, then into a curse of destiny. All because we didn't understood what we doing. we were pursuing an objective we wanted in our whole life, but when we grasp it, we felt empty and the feeling of disappointment. Because the thing we were searching was actually right in front of our eyes the whole time.
I handed my ticket to Singapore to Adam and we gave our last good byes.
"Whatever you do, make sure it is because of you, and nothing else, but for your happiness,
good luck finding it"
That was his last piece of advise before I step out. I was running, down the stairs. The feeling of relief and joy and anticipation. I never felt it before, I felt FREE. Free. Free from the training, free from the burden of 5 years of debate!
As I step out into the open air of Petaling Jaya, I smelled the fresh air and sank down on a chair outside. It was raining. I sulk down with the rain.
How could it go so far? The realization came all to real. I remembered the time when wani said to me that what was important wasn't the experience or the certificate, but it was the feeling of joy and happiness and at home. And I didn't saw that!
Wani. I'm sorry.
I realized that from last years IIU debate when I lost at the finals, I became a fanatic towards debate. I hurt myself for the crimes I committed. From CFS Opens, to the Intraschool, to the Interschool Debate championship, I hurt myself.
And now finally I'm able to let it all go.
Whether I realized it or not, the joy and happiness of debate was there, right in front of me. I closed my eyes, and I saw Raihan making a brilliant speech, Ariffudin winning his first debate, Amira becoming one of the best 1st speakers, Azizul doing all sorts of laughter, Hafeeza trying hard to not disappoint me, and Wani's determination to come to IIU even though it might jeopardize her MTQ. I laughed at myself. it was all there. All the joy and spirit, all there but I didn't saw it.
So now is the time to let it go. Let all the burden go, let all the anger go. Let it go.................
A white Rexton drove across the road in front of Fakhry. Fakhry walk towards it, in his mind is to teach this to his juniors. he now has to make sure that they won't be obsess like he did. In his mind, he was thinking how he could say sorry to Arif, Raihan, Amira, Azizul, Tasnim, Hafeeza and most of all to Wani.
There was only one place he's heading now. Home.
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